My favorite Bible verse for as long as I can remember has been Matthew 1128, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” I’ve read this verse over and over and over again, clinging to its promise because I have felt weary and burdened for decades.
At the age of 10 I began helping in the nursery at my church. There was a woman volunteer there that was 24 years older than me. She struck up regular conversations with me that over the years lead to email, text messaging, calling and time together in and out of church that I now know was complete and strategic grooming. That grooming lead to sexual abuse, an unfortunate marriage and a lifetime of psychological trauma that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
For decades, I thought it was my fault. It was my fault because I was too nice to her and brought this all upon myself. It was my fault because I thought I could’ve stopped her (even though I know now that I couldn’t). It was my fault because I knew it was wrong but didn’t know how to get out. I thought God was trying to punish me or teach me a lesson, and at the same time, I couldn’t understand why He’d make me go thru all of this awfulness at such a young age. By the time I was 22, I felt like I was 62 because I had been through so much life experience. I hated my situation, I hated myself, and I was miserable. I truly thought that I had fallen in love with this woman and that I was happy building a life with her.
One day a couple of months after I had gotten married, I sat straight up in bed and felt God say to me, “Get Out!” I knew He meant that I should leave the situation that I was in, but I was so scared. I had tried to get out before, and she threatened to kill herself and hurt me in the process if I ever tried to leave again. It took me 3 months of planning
and trying to figure out what to do before I was finally able to escape. It was an awful process trying to figure out how to get out, and I gained 80 lbs during those 3 months. But with the help of my family and friends, I was able to leave safely and never look back. It was one of the best days of my life.
For months after I escaped, she drove by where I lived and worked. She contacted my friends in an effort to get me back. She emailed me at work and at home because I had changed my phone number. I felt like I was living in a lifetime movie, it was really hard.
For years afterward I tried to make the best of it and move on, but deep down I was not ok. I was awakening to the fact that my entire thought process of my life to that point was a lie. My adolescence was completely stolen from me. The church let me down and basically swept what had happened under the rug.
I think one of the hardest parts of my healing journey has been that I have lived a “normal life” and I had no idea how detrimental it would be to “fake it” constantly. I tried multiple counselors and wracked up several thousands of dollars of debt, all in an effort to try to “get better.”
It wasn’t until my friend recommended Community Chaplain Services that I felt like I could breathe again. Not only does CCS help with pricing for counseling (which was a huge blessing to me considering all the debt I had already incurred) but the counselor that God lead me quite literally saved my life.
There are so many aspects of my journey that have been hard to grapple with and even though now I am on the other side, my heart breaks for those of you out there that are still struggling. My entire self
is motivated to tell my story in an effort to bring change and healing to this subject of sexual abuse in the church. Sexual abuse is the most underreported crime, and sexual abuse in the church is never discussed. John 15 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
What I really want to say is if you are reading this and are hurting, I see you. You are not alone. I used to feel so alone that I would google my situation to try to find stories of others out there struggling, just so that I didn’t feel so crazy. I know this really sucks right now. Please know that you can not only ask God to help you, but you can trust that He will. There were so many sleepless nights where I would just cry and cry about my situation. Sometimes the only thing that helped me was envisioning Jesus holding me like a baby while I wept in my bed.
God can completely “repay you for the years that the locusts have eaten.” (Joel 225) If you were abused too, I am so sorry. It never should have happened, and you have every right to be angry, sad, depressed or lonely. But as a good friend of mine says, “it’s not heaven, it’s just church.” Please trust that God loves you more than you can imagine and wants you to be ok. I am praying that you get the help that you need because you deserve to heal, get stronger and help others.
Thru counseling, I’ve learned how to turn my millions of questions of “Why” into questions of “What can I do about it?” I pray you can do the same.